Thursday, September 28, 2006

CLAY SHAKES MY OVARIES A THOUSAND DIFFERENT WAYS




So I’m delighted to inform you that Project Clay was a
success! The ravishing Mr. Aiken was gracious enough
to stop and say hi as he was leaving Larry King Live
last night. I kinda feel bad for the dude. Like does
it really matter if he’s gay or not? I mean the poor
guy is being forced to cover songs by Celine Dion.And
have you ever seen a Claymate? In person? I saw
several last night. And everyone needs to give the kid
a break. I mean, really.

Now, let’s get to the second part of the night. My
friend Joe and I are going to hell. I mean, I’m
probably the worst person ever. See, the picture of
one of the “Claymates” below - the lady who’s wearing
the clever “Clay Shakes My Ovaries A Thousand
Different Ways” shirt - bears a striking resemblance
to this woman who works at a decrepit pizza parlour on
Hollywood Boulevard. And although the Claymate was not
facing the camera, the likeness was uncanny and just
had to be her. So I showed Joe the picture and he
agreed. We discussed the similarities between the
Claymate and the pizza parlour employee and I thought
we needed another opinion. Instead, he had the
brilliant idea that we do our own investigative work
and figure this conundrum out ourselves. So on we went
to Vista Pizza (side note: don’t eat there, ever) and
had the awkward “Um, no food for us, we’re just
getting drinks tonight” interchange. And as she went
to retrieve our Gatorades, I pulled a, “You have to
ask her, I can’t do it.” And the dialogue that ensued
went something like this:

Joe: Uh, okay, we have a question.

Coll: Yeah, sorry we’re weird.

Joe: Okay,well were you at the Clay Aiken concert
yesterday?

Alleged Claymate is somewhat puzzled,but appears
delighted that customers are engaging in conversation
with her.

Coll: Yeah, we saw this picture and it really looks
like you.

Alleged Claymate [who also has a severe underbite and
sounds like a transgendered person undergoing hormone
therapy(I know, I’m going to hell)]: No, I wasn’t at
Clay Aiken.

Joe: (awkwardly) Oh well you must have a twin.

Coll: Sorry,we ask weird questions.

Alleged Claymate: You can ask me anything.

Coll: Okay, thanks, bye!

Joe: Yeah, see ya later.

Upon returning to Joe’s apartment,we examined the
picture again. We concluded that the Vista Pizza lady
and the Claymate must be twins. We must reunite them.
And call Montell Williams and be on the show and get a
free trip to New York! We also realized that the
Claymate is holding a sign that matches her shirt. Brilliant.

5 Comments:

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Haha, I love it. Did he recognize Kaycee?!

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